U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
