Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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