happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
