You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
