my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
