Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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