Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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