you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
