I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
