the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
