So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
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