She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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