good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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