Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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