I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have fence marks all over my body
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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