cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize