So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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