she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
