He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
