Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
