i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
