ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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