New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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