Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
