You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
