I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
being pregnant is like rehab
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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