My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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