I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just found puke in my bra..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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