So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
