bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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