I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
