Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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