oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
