my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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