i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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