btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
