Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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