peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
