Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
