allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
