I could make wine with my vomit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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