i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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