There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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