Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
