My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
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The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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