God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
