I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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