just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
