god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
