I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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