i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
