my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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