First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
