I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
