I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
