my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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