i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
